Starting with forgiveness

Dear God,

How long have You been there? For the longest time, I thought You have abandoned me. I guess the proper statement would be, for the longest time, I didnt notice You were there...
I'm sorry...
I've blame You so much. I made everything hurt me, not mold me. My head was down in the dirt for me to figure that out.
You tested my limits, to the point of insanity. "Stupid. Ugly. Manipulative. Disgusting. Stupid." I hear them. Every night, sometimes day, alone in my room, over and over. It frightened me.
But then, a close friend of mine called, saying, 'Amazing. Smart. Kind. Funny. Why do you believe them, and not me? What happened to the person I know?' Thru her, I heard You. 'Why wait? You can start over, now.'
I laughed when I heard those comforting words. Over and over, family and friends tell me that, as frequent, as the blames I send towards you.
They dont matter. You have nothing to prove. Why are you so scared of false accusations?
Anger. Betrayal. Justice. Redemption.
Damn it. Its so hard being human. But I feel it, the hatred.
I am human, but I want to be a human, who makes good decisions.
God, please, i need Your help. Now, that I hear You now. Help me, let it go...
How does a human forgive?
Love,
Your child
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John
(Anonymous)
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