February 23rd, 2011

two years

On Wednesday, 23 February, it has been two years. I like to take recaps. Let's take a recap.

Essentially two years ago literally everything changed; a speculation after a speculation, but without that I would be in the United States and lived in Malaysia and not knowing how it feels when you have someone who loves you the end of the world; how it feels to surprise your loved one with a birthday video on which you have worked for days and days and see the smile, see the tears, see all those emotions rushing through your loved one and know that with this person, he is this person that makes life worthy living when everything else revolts and falls apart; he is the One.

From the first time I saw you,
you owned my world with no words, with no gestures, with nothing, you took everything that I had, my heart, my mind, my lungs and made it yours the moment I looked at you. I thought you were perhaps the most beautiful man I had ever seen in my life; and it still holds. We never talked to each other the first night. I saw you occasionally walking across me in the hallway and once even at one of the meaningless tram stations of Strasbourg and suddenly it became meaningful. The second night you came and talked to me; out of fifteen other stands, you came and talked to me and we talked about my organization and today you tell me you don't even remember what we were talking about, because you were too distracted staring at me.

Somehow an event after another, including me kissing another person the very same night and I thinking that you were not interested in me, I ended up in the room with you, kissing you and holding you, too drunk to know what is happening and as a consequence too sober in the morning, waking up next to you, feeling foolish and ashamed. You kissed me sweetly, smiled but I was too panicked, gathering my things and still feeling stupid. I left and asked you not to talk to me this day; irrational thoughts occupied my mind and I did know what happened, where was I, too confused and the next time we saw each other in one of the hallways, you pulled me to hide and kissed me, smiling and then you let me go. I avoided you, viciously and still you found your way to my workshops and intentionally lied about bars being closed in Strasbourg at eleven, so I would not go out with my friends. I still ignored you

& then you ignored me and we wasted three days ignoring each other, always looking at each other whenever our paths would cross, but nothing more. Our mutual friend, Dr. Love, communicated between us, running from me to you, then back to me to to say what you had told her. And one day, two nights before our departure you stopped the games, pulled me out of the lunch line and said I like you, I want to be with you, you smiled and I kissed you and then
something happened.

The very last morning you said I love you, those words when you had only been to a lunch date at McDonalds with me; gotten fined in the tram with me; already after three nights you said you loved me, laying on the bed and looking into my eyes. You said those three words eights hours before your flight was leaving from Frankfurt back to Croatia; thirteen hours before my flight was leaving for Helsinki; and all I wanted to say I love you, too, but I was too afraid; too scared; you smiled and we carried on talking, laughing and I told you I would take same morning train with you; those four more hours, if nothing else, I needed to be with you; I didn't know what I was doing. I only knew it felt good and I yearned for it;

on the way to Frankfurt in a train, you kissed, you kissed me kissed me kissed me and I kissed you kissed you kissed you as if I would never ever kiss you again, those two hours in the train, only you and no one else, nothing else, only us two in the world. You began to talk about children when you check-in your luggage, how many would you like and instead of thinking of an answer, I imagine pictures of us two and our two children, a family. I told you two and you happily replied me, too and I know you are painting the very same photos that I was creating in my mind; you loved loved loved and although I didn't say it then, I loved loved loved, too. And today you tell meI knew that you loved me, because I could see it in your eyes.

You left;
I left.

Five months apart.Collapse )